Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
