my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
worst night to have a conscience
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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