i jhust puked up my retainher.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
