even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
