While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
