I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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