How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
