dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
