I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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