Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
