Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
