my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
