I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
