I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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