I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
