i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
