R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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