I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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