Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm getting married
To pizza
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
