Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm bleeding and have questions
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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