i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
