I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
