just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
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