I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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