Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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