May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
