I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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