Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
