He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
