he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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