I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
