I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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