There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize