CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize