First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
