I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
