Don't make out with my wife yet
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
