while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
