Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
