When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
