if i can run in heels then i can drive
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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