Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How external is "for external use only"?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
