Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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