Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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