If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
