I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
