brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
