I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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