DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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