I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
