There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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