You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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