We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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