3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
