There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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