just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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