I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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