ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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