I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
