EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
